The closer one gets to me, the more refined is my definition. As it should be, I suppose. Many people meet my definitions of a friend, few of these meet my definitions of a girlfriend or a brother, and none so far have met my definition of a partner.

A friend is someone with whom I share an interest (religion or fandom), an outlook (especially kindness counts and what we do matters), or a sense of humor (puns, wit). I enjoy that person’s company, and I’m willing to invite or accept invitation from that person for social activities. I tend to share anecdotes about the past with friends, but I am usually more reserved about current emotional turbulence.

A girlfriend is a friend who is allowed closer to me -- both within my personal space bubble and in terms of trust. I trust a girlfriend with my troubles and give greater weight to her advice than I do to a friend. I lean on girlfriends for assistance in times of need and I do my best to be available to them when the situation is reversed. Girlfriends are addressed with terms of endearment, frequently hugged, occasionally kissed (dry-cheek), and may exchange the phrase “Love ya.” Which of these are done and how often depends on the boundaries of the girlfriend in question. A girlfriend may bunk with me because she is allowed within my personal space -- sleeping together has no special significance to me. A “girlfriend” who happens to be male is called “brother.”

A partner would be* a girlfriend (or brother) who shares** my priorities and commitments, some interests, some outlooks, and a sense of humor. Commitment to religious activity tops the list of “must share.” Compatibility of sexual orientation is also very important, but it gets trumped by religious similarity. Next is an active and invested interest in the well-being and healthy socialization of children, particularly mine. What should naturally be a part of these priorities is a commitment to a better world, socially and ecologically, and being the change we want to see. Important interests to share are religion and fandom. An important outlook to share is to “never credit malice with what is better explained by stupidity -- or thoughtlessness.” Humor that lasts is based on wit, intelligence, and appreciation of the absurd. Jokes based on derision or grossness lose their humor before long.

* note the conditional verb indicating current lack
** note the change in subject for the active verb, indicating this label depends less on what I do and more on what the person in question does.

A partner is alpha enough to make some unilateral decisions without my input, beta enough to accept my unilateral decisions, with reasoning similar enough to mine that these unilateral decisions either of us make will often be what the other would have decided, and the awareness to know when I will want input. A partner has the skills -- or is working to develop them -- needed for team effort for anything from moving furniture to coordinating vacation to conquering the world. As with any team, the members are not joined at the hip, but each has their own role in completing the task. A partner has awareness and consideration enough to anticipate the rudimentary needs of the partnership, and initiative enough to act on that knowledge, whether by moving a washing machine or bringing up a difficult topic.

A partner takes on this role of her own volition and motivation. A partner becomes so because of her nature, not because of an expectation preceded by declaration. Declarations should describe existence, not intention.

Important to note is that my definition of partner is utterly devoid of any reference to physical or sexual contact. In fact, no minimum time together is indicated, and there is certainly no requirement of sleeping arrangement. Shared finances are not required or even recommended. Shared goals, on the other hand, (when such goals exist) are critical.

These descriptions have been gut-level for me for some time, but only recently (like, today) have I assigned labels and joined the two into definitions for my own reference.