The challenge of being ace and wanting a romantic relationship
Why we need new vocabulary
New vocabulary:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Couples get to hold each other over the back of the couch.
I want that.

Couples get to hold hands between the car and the building.
I want that.

Couples get to entangle their limbs as they sprawl on the sofa.
I want that.

Couples get to pet the band of exposed skin of their beloved's ankle as it rests in their lap.
I want that.

Couples know who their plus-one is going to be at the company holiday party.
I want that.

( Dear you: )

( Pretty sure I wrote it over a year ago )

Still true

Teen Wolf - was loving it up until it turned into maybe not real.  Confused now. Need to rewatch season 3. Or all of it.

Captain America - So much squee! Loved Natasha especially.  Must read ALL the fanfic.

Agents of SHIELD - Nice job picking up what Cap laid down.  But FFS, too.

Grimm - FINALLY you answer my question!  "black's too weak a word - more like infinite darkness."  Also I love the reuniting spaghetti.

The Blacklist - omgomgomgomgomgomgomgHEARTomgomgomgomg

Once - I will catch up, I promise

Game of Thrones - *sigh* teenagers.  How much do I love Hound&Arya?  May be some competition for Tyrion as my favorite.

sometimes (a lot of the time these days), if I don't have enough distraction, the voices decide it's time to play "fuck with JIC" -- and of course, because they're MY voices, they aren't even lying, they're just making the truth as painful as possible.

Teen Wolf season 3B, Stiles-centric, to the song "In All My Dreams I Drown" from The Devil's Carnival.

Six months ago I asked him out
  18 months before that, he moved in
    3 months before that, she dumped him
      12 months before that, she asked him out
        3 months before that, I thought
                "This is the guy I will want to make love with
                        when I'm a little more healed than I am now."
          6 months before that, I smudged eyeliner under his lashes and thought,
                    "Wow.  WOW.  I really want to kiss him."
Maybe in another 18 months I'll get over him telling me no.

I keep seeing in fic how Kane is "so much shorter" than Toews, and then I was looking up team rosters for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, and holy shit there's only 3 inches difference?  Baloney.  Someone who is 5'5" is not significantly taller than I am.

In all the stories, someone with a traumatic past has a tough time with future relationships - particularly healthy ones.  In all the stories, the damaged person is adored in spite of their own perception of relationship unworthiness.

I have damage.  I have plenty of damage.  And plenty of fear that I am too damaged to have a healthy relationship.  And at least three relationships that my damage has destroyed.

Would I be more lovable if I had low self-esteem?

So, I'm still learning the ropes of how stuff gets done 'round here, but I've firmly established that I really like all my teammates in Hillsboro, and the ones in other cities that I only see in IM.  The one I was a little iffy on at first, I've decided I like him well enough in chat.

OTOH, not having a set curriculum for the training is really stressful for me, so I'm super glad that I'm going to see my massage therapist on Tuesday.

My schedule is 10am - 7pm M-F until further notice.  Which isn't my ideal early-bird schedule, but it doesn't keep me up crazy late and it works pretty well with the swing shift people that live with me.

In other news, I'm reading craptons of Hockey RPF (thanks for the recs, dine), and the interesting articles at BusinessInsider, Salon, and HuffingtonPost.  Also following a bit of Derek/Stiles from Teen Wolf.  And I'm REALLY looking forward to Thor coming soon, which may resuscitate my addiction to Avengers fic.

Speaking of Avengers fic, does anyone remember the one where Banner is Hulked out and SHIELD is planning to send guys with rifles to tranquilize him, but Barton heads them off by pointing out that even without doing damage, bullets hurt and they let him go in with a tranq arrow and Hulk lets Barton administer?  That's the only scene I remember clearly, but the story centered around the Banner-Barton friendship.  I think it may not have been slash (unusual for me, I know).

What shall be the code name for my new employer?

It went very well!  I'm super pleased with the amenities and with the team.  Only one person was less than impressive, and he may have been just exhausted.  He gets another chance.

Got an offer!  And I like it!

But, oh, change is not one of my favorite things.  Bleah.

I woke up this morning and was surprised to find I suddenly wasn't grieving any more.  At least, not the way I was last night, last week, last month.  This kind of scares me, because if the grief is gone, all that's left is the resentment.  Resentment kills affection and stifles admiration.  I want to keep my high regard.  I don't want indifference to reign.  But I don't know how to like someone this much and not fear loss.  If the loss is already realized, what does that do to the affection?

That said, it was a date request, not a freaking marriage proposal.

I applied for a new job last week.  I got a call early this week, passed the pre-screen, passed the phone interview with the (out-of-state) hiring manager, and today went in for face interviews with the local team.

Either they were coached to respond to every answer positively (unusual, but it could happen), or that interview went really, really well.

I love my current employer as a company.  I love my teammates.  Considerably less thrilled with my direct supervisor.  And, I've gone down with the ship before; I don't want to do it again.

I want to give up because I'm tired of hurting like this.  I'm tired of having to keep myself busy every minute of every day just to keep from crying.  I'm tired of balancing on the peak of this roof trying to be neither too distant nor too cozy.  I'm tired of searching for the right words.  I'm tired of chastising myself for bitterness that slips out when I'm not paying attention.

But if I give up, then the anger will surface, and I won't like myself for causing him pain.  The anger will surface, and I will regret the wounds I cause with words.  The anger will surface, and I'll lose a friend -- a friend I've loved long and dearly and with whom I wanted to share more.

Do I actually still have this friend in the first place?

The Care and Feeding of Lost Causes by maskedfangirl

Author's Summary:
“You’re a former hermit with a history of depression and an alter ego who smashes buildings, and somehow you’ve found a person who gets you out interacting with the world. Trust me on this: hold onto him as hard as he will let you.”

Mine:
The notes were sorted into Always OK, Ask First, and Never OK, and the only thing listed under Always OK was hands.

Early this afternoon I had my cat, Alex, euthanized. He had bone cancer in his jaw. He's been fostered with Son1's (now former) girlfriend for the past year so he could have a more peaceful environment than this madhouse, but we took him to the vet today because he was off his feed and had bloody drool from his mouth. It was a quick diagnosis, and we were prepared to make this decision. Still cried, though.