Is that a word? Hmm. Not according to MS Word spell check nor Miriam Webster. Whatever. For the purposes of this post, I hereby invent the word "Oblivity" and define it as follows: The state of being oblivious.

Denial is not my happy place after all.

Toward the end (which may have been everything past the birth of Son3) of my relationship with KOP, I quit wanting sex. Possibly before that point, but that time is certain. KOP and I fought - whoa, Nelly, did we fight. I wanted a separation. We went to the priest. When we got to the appointment, we didn't know what our problem was, just that we fought a lot. We moved to Portland. We fought. I asked for a vacation from sex, in hopes that desire would return. KOP didn't want to take a break for fear that we'd never start again. We went to counseling. I denied that there was any problem with our sex life. I gave up on KOP every changing his intrusive, prying, passive-aggressive, manipulative ways. I demanded a divorce. I got a divorce. I finally got the message across that the answer to all future requests for sex would be HELL NO.

I went merrily along my way thinking that all that time my primary problem was with KOP. Then I had sex with someone whom I was strongly considering as possible boyfriend material. I freaked out. I realized that in addition to KOP being an asshole, I also had (dun, dun, dun) ISSUES with SEX.

In NO WAY does this mean that I would take KOP back under any circumstances, but I wonder: would I have been able to heal enough to maintain the relationship if I had not been in denial that my issues were sexual in nature? Would I have been able to get help and have the reasoning to make a case for a sexual vacation? If I'd been able to tell KOP that I needed it in order to heal rather than "improve" something he found perfectly satisfactory, would he have given me the time and space I asked for and the support I needed? -- Well, probably he would not have understood the magnitude of the problem. Hell, I didn't understand the magnitude of the problem, nor its nature.

So, no. Actual clinical denial is NOT my happy place.

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Oblivity, on the other hand, IS.

According to more than one friend of my gender and nearly my age, people (not always men) treat them like idiots because they are young and/or female. This doesn't happen to me. At any rate, I don't perceive it. One friend says it's because I'm oblivious. Another friend, the parish matriarch, says it's because I never present myself as if I should be taken any way other than seriously. If that's oblivity, buy me some more of that!

'They' say women are discouraged in the so-called "hard" sciences. Hey! Look at me, with all the math and physics going on.
'They' say men consider breasts before brains. Well maybe my breasts don't have big, flashy lights on them, but they're THERE. How come nobody notices? Why do these people keep talking to me like a human being instead of a broodmare?
'They' say non-standard sexuality is persecuted. I'm not saying it isn't, but it hasn't happened to me. What? Am I not gay enough? Is my asexuality not as threatening as someone else's?

When for whatever reason I'm allegedly a member of some mistreated group, I never seem to experience the same mistreatment. Why am I so special? Is it perhaps oblivity?

Oblivity serves me in another way. Possibly due to my myriad bad relationships, with contributions from the many and varied childhood ostracisms, I have both a fear of commitment and a fear of rejection. Probably not that unusual, in and of itself. Tie that in with my asexuality, and you have someone who (a) thinks any relationship stronger than acquaintace will someday turn to sex (unless the person is never attracted to females), (b) finds sex distasteful, (c) has a pattern of doing it anyway, (d) desperately wants to be liked, (e) has no idea how to accomplish that, (e) believes everyone will leave her sooner or later, and (therefore) (f) doesn't want to hurt people's feelings for any reason in any way. This may still not be all that unusual, but I'm not trying to describe the most fucked-up head-case alive, I'm trying to describe me.*

What that means is, I am comfortable with people - even flirting with people - unless and until I am forced to acknowledge the fact that someone might be serious. As long as I can remain oblivious to the notion that someone might hope for a sexual encounter with me, I'm comfortable and happy and able to interact like a rational human being. My oblivity protects me from all those fears and automatic reactions.

In many ways, fear is my friend. A healthy caution urges me not to take needless risks, like walking into heavy traffic. But, I will NOT let fear control me. I don't hide in my hovel like a hermit, avoiding all contact so I won't risk rejection. I don't flake out on my friends before they can flake out on me; I acknowledge that friendship is a commitment and I don't treat that lightly. It scares me, but I don't take it lightly.

On the power of oblivity: I believe I shape reality with my expectations. I bet you know this story:

There was a man who was sitting beside the road at the edge of town. A car approached with a family inside. The driver stopped the car and spoke to the man. He said, we are thinking about moving here and would like for you to tell us what the people are like in this town. The man responded with a question. What are the people like in the town you came from? The driver described them as friendly, wonderful, caring people who do not hesitate when asked to help. The man beside the road responded that you will find the people in this town to be just like that. The driver smiled and drove into the town. A few minutes later another car pulled up the man. The man was asked again to describe the people in this town because that family was also thinking about moving there. The man again responded with the same question. This driver described the people in his old town as unfriendly and selfish people who would not lift a finger to help those in need. The man responded by saying, I think you will find the people in this town to be just like that.

It's a nice story about how we see what we expect to see, but I think this has even more truth than we typically give credit for. The first family man in the story not only sees the good in people, he is also oblivious to the bad. The second man not only sees the bad in people, he is oblivious to the good. In my oblivity, that which disturbs me in theory (for example, racism), doesn't exist in practice. Do I deny that these disturbing things are real? No. But by behaving as if they don't exist, within my sphere of influence they don't.

I dare you to try it.

* No comments from the peanut gallery that I am the most fucked-up head-case alive. Hey!! I heard that!