Week 1 - complete

  • Nov. 2nd, 2013 at 1:12 AM
jic: Daniel Jackson (SG1) firing weapon, caption "skill to do comes of doing" (Default)
So, I'm still learning the ropes of how stuff gets done 'round here, but I've firmly established that I really like all my teammates in Hillsboro, and the ones in other cities that I only see in IM.  The one I was a little iffy on at first, I've decided I like him well enough in chat.

OTOH, not having a set curriculum for the training is really stressful for me, so I'm super glad that I'm going to see my massage therapist on Tuesday.

My schedule is 10am - 7pm M-F until further notice.  Which isn't my ideal early-bird schedule, but it doesn't keep me up crazy late and it works pretty well with the swing shift people that live with me.

In other news, I'm reading craptons of Hockey RPF (thanks for the recs, [personal profile] dine), and the interesting articles at BusinessInsider, Salon, and HuffingtonPost.  Also following a bit of Derek/Stiles from Teen Wolf.  And I'm REALLY looking forward to Thor coming soon, which may resuscitate my addiction to Avengers fic.

Speaking of Avengers fic, does anyone remember the one where Banner is Hulked out and SHIELD is planning to send guys with rifles to tranquilize him, but Barton heads them off by pointing out that even without doing damage, bullets hurt and they let him go in with a tranq arrow and Hulk lets Barton administer?  That's the only scene I remember clearly, but the story centered around the Banner-Barton friendship.  I think it may not have been slash (unusual for me, I know).

What shall be the code name for my new employer?
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First day at the new job

  • Oct. 28th, 2013 at 9:48 PM
jic: Daniel Jackson (SG1) firing weapon, caption "skill to do comes of doing" (Default)
It went very well!  I'm super pleased with the amenities and with the team.  Only one person was less than impressive, and he may have been just exhausted.  He gets another chance.
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Job Change

  • Oct. 9th, 2013 at 9:57 PM
jic: Daniel Jackson (SG1) firing weapon, caption "skill to do comes of doing" (Default)
Got an offer!  And I like it!

But, oh, change is not one of my favorite things.  Bleah.
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Why now should I pretend to be sane?

  • Oct. 2nd, 2013 at 10:11 PM
jic: Daniel Jackson (SG1) firing weapon, caption "skill to do comes of doing" (Default)
I woke up this morning and was surprised to find I suddenly wasn't grieving any more.  At least, not the way I was last night, last week, last month.  This kind of scares me, because if the grief is gone, all that's left is the resentment.  Resentment kills affection and stifles admiration.  I want to keep my high regard.  I don't want indifference to reign.  But I don't know how to like someone this much and not fear loss.  If the loss is already realized, what does that do to the affection?

That said, it was a date request, not a freaking marriage proposal.
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  • Sep. 20th, 2013 at 9:27 PM
jic: Captain Jack Sparrow quote "but you HAVE heard of me" (have heard)
I applied for a new job last week.  I got a call early this week, passed the pre-screen, passed the phone interview with the (out-of-state) hiring manager, and today went in for face interviews with the local team.

Either they were coached to respond to every answer positively (unusual, but it could happen), or that interview went really, really well.

I love my current employer as a company.  I love my teammates.  Considerably less thrilled with my direct supervisor.  And, I've gone down with the ship before; I don't want to do it again.
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Horns of the Dilemma

  • Sep. 15th, 2013 at 6:00 PM
jic: Tara from Buffy: "I'm not in the mood for this" (not mood)
I want to give up because I'm tired of hurting like this.  I'm tired of having to keep myself busy every minute of every day just to keep from crying.  I'm tired of balancing on the peak of this roof trying to be neither too distant nor too cozy.  I'm tired of searching for the right words.  I'm tired of chastising myself for bitterness that slips out when I'm not paying attention.

But if I give up, then the anger will surface, and I won't like myself for causing him pain.  The anger will surface, and I will regret the wounds I cause with words.  The anger will surface, and I'll lose a friend -- a friend I've loved long and dearly and with whom I wanted to share more.

Do I actually still have this friend in the first place?
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jic: Daniel Jackson (SG1) firing weapon, caption "skill to do comes of doing" (Default)
The Care and Feeding of Lost Causes by maskedfangirl

Author's Summary:
“You’re a former hermit with a history of depression and an alter ego who smashes buildings, and somehow you’ve found a person who gets you out interacting with the world. Trust me on this: hold onto him as hard as he will let you.”

The notes were sorted into Always OK, Ask First, and Never OK, and the only thing listed under Always OK was hands.
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It's like a jinx.

  • Sep. 8th, 2013 at 3:06 PM
jic: Tara from Buffy: "I'm not in the mood for this" (not mood)
Early this afternoon I had my cat, Alex, euthanized. He had bone cancer in his jaw. He's been fostered with Son1's (now former) girlfriend for the past year so he could have a more peaceful environment than this madhouse, but we took him to the vet today because he was off his feed and had bloody drool from his mouth. It was a quick diagnosis, and we were prepared to make this decision. Still cried, though.
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Tony Stark and an RV Palooza (dream)

  • Jun. 2nd, 2013 at 9:57 AM
jic: Daniel Jackson (SG1) firing weapon, caption "skill to do comes of doing" (Default)
Last night I dreamed I was me, only uber rich, and somehow Tony Stark did not have his billions. He wasn't too cut up about it (maybe a little subdued) and seemed okay with being my PA. And there was an RV Palooza (like the one I went to yesterday in Washington County) only it was being held in the bottom floor of a very tall hotel on Mt Hood, and we needed to get at least one RV down the mountain, but every one was out of gas and nearest station was in Sandy.

Also there was kissing, but I'm pretty sure there was money involved, and Awake!Me isn't sure how we feel about that.
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Dream - Neal and Alan

  • May. 31st, 2013 at 6:29 AM
jic: Daniel Jackson (SG1) firing weapon, caption "skill to do comes of doing" (Default)
Last night I dreamed I was Neal Caffrey and I was having an affaire with Alan Shore.

Alan's room was MESSY.  I was tidying it up.  And telling off the other guy who came to the door because his affaire with Alan was over.
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Mother's Day, early

  • May. 3rd, 2013 at 12:24 AM
jic: McKay: Science is your friend. Sheppard: Math is your friend . . . with benefits (Science & math)
OMG that was so awesome.  Son1 took me to Cinetopia for the opening night of Iron Man 3, where we lounged on comfy couches to watch the movie, after having food and drink brought to our location.  The fries were Amazing - we had normal and sweet potato fries.

The movie was fantastic, and I won't say more for fear of spoilers, except it wasn't what I expected based on the trailers.  And I love Tony Stark.  A lot.  ""

Oh gosh now I want a Tony Stark icon.  Or maybe a particular shot of Pepper (shan't say which, because, spoiler).
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jic: Captain Jack Sparrow, looking cheeky; caption "pirate!" (cheeky)
I like reading plays aloud with friends, but I don't have the time or commitment for actual theater, so I'm reaching out to pretty much everyone I've known to see who would be interested in reading Shakespeare for fun with a like-minded group. No memorization required! And, we're not performing for anyone but ourselves.  Just casual folks enjoying together the way the Bard could turn a phrase.

Once I have a group of people, we can find a good time for most of us.  Maybe even recurring for folks who can't make the first one.

Want on the list?  What's your favorite play?  Your favorite part?

Right now I have 12 interested, including two who are planning to Skype in!  Two more are interested but won't be available until June or fall.

We're leaning toward Friday night or Saturday evening.

Suggestions have included Macbeth, The Taming of the Shrew, A Midsummer Night's Dream, and Merry Wives of Windsor.  Of these, Dream is the shortest, but Merry Wives has the fewest parts, so I'm leaning toward that unless there's an outcry in favor of some other.

Post your email if you'd like to be on the list.  I'm screening all replies.
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  • Mar. 18th, 2013 at 3:36 PM
jic: profile of fairy with dragonfly wings, seated on one ankle and holding her other knee (wistful)
Suppose you're playing a video game.  How about Frogger?  Jump between the cars to get across the road, jump on the logs to get across the river, get to the other side, right?  And sometimes there's another frog on a log and you want to jump them.

From my perspective, the other frog isn't on a log hoping to make sweet whoopie; the other frog is driving the semi.

And that's an obstacle.  In the game of dating, I'm trying to get across the road, and all ("") the other frogs are trying to get from Texarkana to the Southern Classic in Atlanta with 400 cases of Coors.

Another obstacle is that I don't even know what being in love might feel like any more.  I'm a prime example of fluid sexuality -- I'm ace now, but I used to be straight.  When I used to fall in love Before, it was accompanied by a desire to interlock.  I loved other people too, then.  But now I don't know how to tell the difference.  If I don't desire coitus with anyone, how can I even tell when my affection changes from Dear Friend to Desired Lifemate?  I don't actually want any of my friends to leave; I want to keep them forever, even as I accept a little too readily that life changes will take us out of each other's lives.

When you remove the urge to get naked with someone, what is the measure of romance?
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Not That Different

  • Mar. 5th, 2013 at 2:16 PM
jic: Daniel Jackson (SG1) firing weapon, caption "skill to do comes of doing" (Default)
The other day a colleague asked me if I would tell her if she was "being too fussy."

And I, being me, said that I would -- if she was being fussy enough for me to notice, or if her fussiness was not lining up with the things I'm fussy about.

And she found this remarkable.  (I can tell, because she remarked on it.)

If anything about this at all is remarkable, I think it's not my decision making process.  It may be, if anything, the fact that I'm transparent about that decision making process.  I think everyone is less likely to point out in criticism something they actually find laudable.  I don't think everyone is willing to admit how very subjective our decisions are.  We want to be objective and logical because that's how we've learned to persuade people to our point of view (never mind how many opinions are formed based on subjective emotional reactions).

I think when you are honest with yourself about which opinions are formed in the gut, that is the first step to reshaping those opinions with your brain.
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Never credit malice

  • Mar. 4th, 2013 at 9:29 AM
jic: Daniel Jackson (SG1) firing weapon, caption "skill to do comes of doing" (Default)
I think giving people the benefit of the doubt can become a habit.  On the other hand, thinking the worst of people can also become a habit, and I sometimes catch myself drifting in that direction.  "Never credit malice with what is better attributed to stupidity," was how I was first taught about giving people the benefit of the doubt.  I'm not sure my father anticipated how much contempt I would grow to have for lack of intelligence.  I've since changed the version written in my heart to "Never credit malice with what is better attributed to carelessness."  Sometimes even that isn't enough.

I have friends who do things that hurt me (don't we all).  Most of the time, they don't know in advance that certain things will be hot buttons for me, and so I can forgive them for not knowing.  Sometimes, the potential for hurting me would become obvious if my friend just gave it two seconds of thought, but they didn't, and I forgive them for carelessness.  Sometimes they just had other priorities, and I can acknowledge that they have the same obligation to look after themselves as I have to look after myself.  But sometimes too many of these add up, and I sever the friendship.

Sometimes I seethe with unfounded, undirected anger, and I just have to tell my loved ones that I'm not fit company for humans right now.  Sometimes I have to tell my kids to ask me later, because I'm aware that I'm too cranky to make a fair decision.

All of these "sometimes" seem to add up to a "lot of time".  I'm blest that each of these is only a tiny part of my experience of people.  Yesterday all four adults in my house were home together, and we were able to collectively sprawl on the couch and marathon movies with pizza, and have giggling and horseplay and teasing and laughter as well.
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Fic rec (series) Responsible Science

  • Feb. 26th, 2013 at 8:31 PM
jic: Daniel Jackson (SG1) firing weapon, caption "skill to do comes of doing" (Default)
Responsible Science by lettered

Great Banner point of view, deep characters, angst is not easily solved.  Or at all, really.  Because people are complicated.
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  • Feb. 25th, 2013 at 5:03 PM
jic: Daniel Jackson (SG1) firing weapon, caption "skill to do comes of doing" (Default)
A few weeks ago I planted three fruit trees.  The two that were grafted (a three-variety apple and a three-variety plum) are budding, but the nectarine tree is not.  I'm a little worried about it.

Maybe some of my tax refund will go to a vegetable garden.
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